Start at the beginning…
I was listening to a podcast recently and the amazing Abby Wambach was talking about how she didn’t know how to trust herself. This rocked me back on my heels. I thought if ANYONE would know how to trust themselves it would be a world class athlete and high-achieving heart-led woman like her! I wish i’d had her number so i could call her immediately to tell her what i learned for myself. No one needs to feel lost and wandering when we have access to the truth right in our own heart.
My journey to trusting myself started when i was 35 years old, and admitted to the hospital for being a risk to myself. I had gotten so low and small in my depressive state. Nothing i tried to feel better worked, but I had made a HUGE mistake. I looked outside myself, to anyone and everyone else to fix, enliven and just, tell me how! I looked also to what hollywood and societal myths told me were the paths back to happiness. These included alcohol from supper time on through the evening, girl’s trips, shopping for things I was told me i should want, distracting myself with any number of what ended up being self-sabotaging behavior.
And then I was surprised and heartbroken all over again when i just kept sinking lower and lower.
In the hospital, I decided to really strip it all the way back and start from scratch...
Everything i knew and believed up to that point had led me to this place. I was lost, raw and exhausted. I went to the nurses station and asked for paper and a pen. I sat in the one shaft of sunlight that I could find in the common room and started making a list of things i knew to be true.
I knew sunlight was warm.
I knew the floor tiles were cool beneath my legs.
I turned my face to the sun and paused, reassuring myself that it was indeed warm. Warmth, truth.
Next i moved my hand to the floor where i sat, the tile felt cool to the touch, but the tile where the sun hit caught my eye and i wondered if it was warm. So i moved my hand over to test. And it was warm. I played there a bit. Moving from cool to warm and taking comfort that i knew the difference. I trusted that i knew warm and cool.
I know this sounds so basic, like duh, a three year old could tell the difference between warm and cool. But if i was going to build trust in myself, i needed to start at the beginning. Questioning everything, making no assumptions.
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All the patients in the unit were required to attend the group activities and on my third day, I nearly cried when i saw paper, paints and brushes being carried into the common room.
I loved to draw and paint. Truth.
I knew i was good at drawing and painting. another truth.
I grabbed a sheet of craft paper, paints and was dipping my brush in the water before i looked up to see that my table mate looked, well, terrified.
“Is there something i can do to help you?” i asked her.
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“I could draw some trees for you and you could just fill them in, would that feel good?”
Her face immediately softened and she smiled and nodded.
As i placed the outlined illustration back in front of her, she was so relieved.
I have value, i thought, for the first time in a long time.
I showed her how to add a bit of water to the paint square and swirl the brush around to the get the paint ready to roll. How to dab a little on a paper towel so you didn’t flood your paper.
I have value.
To feel those first inklings of value, that i had something unique and wholy mine to share was affirming. i was on the right path.
LET'S WORK TOGETHER:
Take out a sheet of paper or open the notes app and write down things that you know are true.
Start with your senses:
What do you love to taste, hear, feel and smell?
Really listen and make sure it is you in the present answering this inquiry and not your spouse, or parent or what you chose when you were 12 and everyone loves reminding you that fettuccine alfredo is your favorite food when you haven’t really liked fettuccine alfredo since you were 15…
this is so interesting to do with each new choice. Come to that lunch menu that you’ve seen many times with new eyes as if you are seeing it for the first time. What is true to you today? What toppings do you want on your sandwich? Feel it out viscerally, really lean into the newness, what tastes do you want to experience right at this moment. You want the crunch of a cucumber slice on that sandwich, get it! You want it toasted so the cheese is all gooey and stretchy? Tell them! That first bite will affirm that you can trust yourself through your senses.
This is such important work to begin to pay attention and wake up to our truth so we can take action to make our lives more ideal, more authentic with each new choice. These first baby steps allow us to practice with the things that are central to our loves and curiosity without being big life changing swings. Those will come as you build trust and really get clear about what you know.
I look forward to walking this path with you.
I am always just an email away, holler@jenniearle.com
all my love trailblazers,
xx,
jenni